Disclaimer: This post is going to be a little more personal than previous entries and what I consider to be my “typical” style. I promise I won’t always spend so much time talking about myself…
Anonymity is an interesting thing, you know? With the absolute dominance of “international culture” being dictated by the internet, sincerity and authenticity have found themselves in exceptionally short supply. Why shouldn’t that be the case though? When there’s little to no real world consequence for our words and actions, it makes it that much easier to posture and perhaps get a little bit of a fat head. I guess I could argue that authenticity is actually more alive and well than ever, but it depends on where you fall on the optimism vs pessimism spectrum. Considering the above, my general outlook of the world must be pretty evident here.
About fiveish years ago, I’d have never seen myself as the half-anon “Ms. Lampton” that I’ve stylized myself as on this blog. I’d have never foreseen the borderline socialist ramblings and apparent appeals to emotion that I’ve at least somewhat projected through this little project so far. Of course, I’ve only been at it for about six months, so who’s to say this trend will continue?
I digress, five years ago or so, I considered myself an uber rational realist with a hard on for atheism (still an atheist… so long as we’re sharing) and “pwning” the snowflakes. I wasn’t quite to the point of considering myself “alt-right” or whatever, but I do think it’s fair to say that I was near the brink of taking the dreaded “redpill”. I’ve sort of just dropped a number of internet culture terms that perhaps need some clarification to the uninitiated, but the general gist of things is that I called myself “classical liberal” and thought these bleeding heart SJWs were ruining society with their PC bullshit.
Around this time (2015ish) the doombringing “gamergate” controversy was just starting to sort out the casualties, and a new era of online discourse had begun. Most people seem to cite this as a sort of Renaissance for the alt-right within internet culture; particularly on YouTube. I’ll save a proper breakdown of that mess for another day, perhaps, but I bring this up to mention that I was absolutely lapping up that content and allowing it to have a tremendous impact on my worldview. With a fair bit of relief, I can at least say I wasn’t directly in the horde dolling out the harassment with everybody else, but I can also – unfortunately – say that I didn’t do a thing to speak up for the real victims of the controversy. I possessed contempt for them, in fact. I felt that the libertarian nature of the internet was doing what it was intended to do, and I shed no tears at the time.
I could say this was the fault of those YouTube influencers, but let’s be real here: all they did was validate my already ingrained view of society. I was that person through no fault of anybody but myself. I believed that cishet white dudes were being unfairly demonized by societal shifts, that women didn’t really have all that much to complain about, and that the PC police wanted to throw us all in SJW jail. That was me, and it’s taken a few years to come to terms with who I was and the damage I almost certainly caused. I take no pride in it, and I deeply apologize for every negative thing that may have happened as a consequence.
The past five years have been, perhaps, the most intellectually dynamic years of my life so far, however. I finished the bulk of my education, settled into my career, and my personal insight has evolved in ways that I never anticipated. There is a significant piece of that story that led to my ultimate rejection of the redpill, but it’s a story for another day.
I really wanted to write this post to document the background of my pessimism. You see, five years ago I was undeniably at a consistent peak with my depression and self-loathing. This is absolutely not me attempting to give an excuse for my shitty personal philosophies, but I mention it because I’ve found that despair again. I mention it because five years ago the nature of my self-hatred was extremely unique, and it didn’t materialize the way it does now. While five years ago it caused me to lean into my nihilism and entropic view of the world, now it presents as something else entirely. Five years ago I would’ve drank myself into oblivion and joyously laughed as the fires burned us all into nothing.
That despair was restrictive. It was freedom from freedom. This despair is something else. While the sensation itself is the same as it’s always been, it now carries an oddly clarifying aspect with it. When the crushing wave of depression came down years ago it revealed iron bars and shackles. When it takes hold now, it instead shatters the vibrancy of the world to reveal an infinite void in which I can walk in any direction I so choose. I see choices to make in response to the blight, and I have reason to seize that control. It no longer suffocates me. Instead, it brings everything to a grinding halt and gives me a sort of melancholy tranquility that I can build from. It’s a definite negative downturn in mood, but it’s also a breath of fresh air. My pessimism used to be entropic and hopeless. Now it gives me purpose.
I’ve mentioned before that my professional expertise is in the field of mental health. As a consequence, I think I’ve subconsciously deemed myself immune to any sort of therapy or counseling. I have given therapy a chance a few times in the past, however, and if there is any single asset that has been consistently highlighted by my therapist, it’s been my apparent insight. Insight – in the world of psychology – is the term used to describe one’s ability to be able to self-assess. The curse of that asset, however, is that despite the common anecdote, admitting to having a problem is not necessarily the hardest part of solving it. I find the motivation, the “doing” to be significantly more challenging. This puts me in a frustrating position in which I’m able to identify my flaws and my barriers, but I’m far less capable of doing anything about them. And yes, this absolutely carries into my more mundane daily living as well. I know the kitchen is a fucking disaster and I’m too embarrassed to invite anybody over because of it. I don’t feel like cleaning it up right now though. I’ll do it tomorrow.
I think that insight is where the change in the nature of my depression is rooted, at any rate. I didn’t like the alt-right memelord I was turning into, and the truth of what I was becoming was more evident to me than anybody else. This isn’t to say I’m in love with myself these days, but I at least feel like there is some value in my existence. I feel like the net positive I’m contributing is greater than the negative at least, and that was something I desperately needed. That “matters” to me. Back then, nothing “mattered” to me at all.
Moving away from the self-absorbed focus of all of the above… I’ve discussed the transcendent desire to be “correct” in previous entries, and I’ve described it in pathological terms. What is it that people are truly seeking when they undergo futile arguments with strangers online? What are they hoping to get from professing their personal beliefs to the world? Connection? Righteousness? “Lulz”? I would assume that the answer is outwardly different for everybody, but there must be a unifying factor here. If I had to pick one assumption and then carelessly project it onto millions of people I don’t even know, I’d attribute this desire to validation.
I find myself attracted to that idea, because I know that validation is important to me, and I know that it’s important to mental health. It’s a concept that is discussed ad nauseam in my day to day professional life, whether about patients, peers, or related. It’s practically a gag in “ES-JAY-DOUBLE-YOU” circles to remind people that are upset that their “feelings are valid”. That is, until somebody fails to tow the line, I guess, but the discussion of in-fighting on the left is a whole other can of worms that I dare not open up right now. My point is that providing validation is a more natural underlying occurrence to everyday life than people might realize. Every time Uncle Ben makes some post on facebook about there only being two genders, each reaction is a +1 for validation.
Think of the number of “boomer” posts that are punctuated with a “like if you agree” that make the rounds. Like, one could assume that these posts are sincere social crusades that are looking to refurbish the moral fibers of our society… but when the only call to action is to click “like”, I guess I don’t see a lot of effort being put towards making an actual case for much of anything. Couple this with the exclusivity and “in group” nature of many of the sources of these memes, and all I really see is a digital need to have one’s beliefs validated. I can’t emphasize enough how horribly wrong I might be though. Maybe these folks are the front line iconoclasts that are sincerely unshackling the masses from the cave walls. I am absolutely making sweeping assumptions about people here, but I only ask that we ponder this thought.
The only personal relation I have to this thought is an appeal to my former self. I didn’t watch alt-right videos or “rationaltube” to change my view. As I said, those beliefs were mine already, and I didn’t watch Ben Shapiro or Sam Harris or anybody inbetween to pull the wool from my eyes. I inhaled that content because it made me feel correct. It made me feel validated. It allowed me to self-assess some of the most knee-jerk feelings I possessed, and it made me feel okay for having them. Beyond that even, it made me feel like I had it figured out, and that I knew things about the world that others just refused to admit to or comprehend. Nothing about my beliefs underwent any sort of fundamental change between the start and finish of a ChrisRayGun or Sargon of Akaad video. I didn’t learn a fucking thing. I didn’t take a personal look at myself and society as a consequence. I just dug the hole deeper and buried myself within, underneath piles of empty validation. I may deny ever truly taking the redpill, but I was certainly being microdosed by its generic.
I had to stop caring about what I wanted to be true. It took the start of my career and validation in professional success to achieve that. This isn’t to say that people need that, it’s just how it panned out for myself. I stopped ridiculing content that was contrary to my worldview, because suddenly feeling correct wasn’t something I needed anymore. This allowed me to confront difficult truths and to discover some amount of empathy, I guess. That’s not to say that I know myself to be totally correct these days, but I at least have honest conviction in my values now rather than blind validation. There is a more significant purpose to my worldview that is at least more substantial than the reactionary. I feel like there is more substance behind my convictions than there used to be. I don’t feel the need to grasp at validation or constantly be viewed as correct. That is to say, I’m okay with being wrong.
To perhaps better explain the “why?” behind this unyielding addiction to validation, I think the concept of validation itself needs to be dissected. While it comes in many forms, social validation is the form we are really discussing here, and social validation is an aspect of a thoroughly researched area of social psychology known as social influence; specifically, normative social influence. This is defined as influence from others in conforming society that leads to a desire to be accepted. Put bluntly, it’s ingrained social pressure that fosters a desire to be perceived as “normal” or – at the very least – not “not normal”. As social animals, we tend to inherently value social acceptance, and that valuing of acceptance as well as the resultant actions we take is a direct consequence of normative social influences.
The process of conforming to social norms is a substantial aspect of sociological research, and normative social influences are one of the major features that account for conformity. A study at California State surveyed a cohort of individuals on energy conservation. In this survey, respondents were asked why they took measures to better conserve and which of those reasons were most important to their actions. The study indicated: “descriptive normative beliefs were more predictive of behavior than were other relevant beliefs, even
though respondents rated such norms as least important in their conservation decisions.”
This, coupled with a secondary field study, indicated that not only was normative social influence the most consistent predictive factor, but subjects that are influenced by conformity consistently insist that they decide to act based on factors independent of what others’ around them are doing. Essentially, they acted to fit in, but wanted to be perceived as coming to their own conclusion based on more informational aspects – subconsciously or otherwise.
This type of study is not especially uncommon in social psychology research. The common thread is that deviating from the social norm consistently invokes negative responses from members of the conforming group. This might seem pedestrian an observation at first glance, but when it becomes evident that that conformity is apparently more significant an influencer than well supported evidence, the validation tug of war starts to make more sense. Our society has reached a point in which truth can be relative, and it is far more validating to be perceived as the one that knows the truth rather than actually knowing the truth. Being wrong in the eyes of the in group is to deviate from the established norm.
Scale this up to identity now, for example. Consider the long history of adversity faced by members of the LGBT+ community, and how it has materialized within the group that does not fall under this minority umbrella. Think of how language has evolved as a consequence. Consider the ongoing social struggle that black Americans continue to face. What are some of the buzzwords and phrases that have appeared from it? “Identity politics”, “SJWs”, “Political correctness”, “libtard”, etc. These words are all used in a pejorative manner and all used to remind those that aren’t conforming to the whims of the in group exactly how deplorable in their wrongness they truly are.
It’s honestly pretty understandable even. Considering the relatively recent exposure of issues facing minority groups in the media, suddenly there is a new in group with its own “exclusive membership”. Those that have always been validated in their conformity are getting a taste of being the outcasts. This isn’t an intentional outcome, but perception is really the hot topic here. It’s not something that the anti-LGBT+ or even merely cishet crowd is experiencing alone. You can see the in-fighting even happening within the LGBT+ community. Like, yeah, I’m gay, but I’m not that kind of gay. *gestures ambiguously*
That exact in-fighting is perhaps the clearest example here as well. It’s more validating to some to be considered a perfectly “normal” individual, rather than a totally honest one. This isn’t to say that those “normal” gay folks are suppressing themselves, but they’d certainly rather identify with the “normies” than they would the outcasts of the greater LGBT+ umbrella. Comprehending the power of normative social influence though… can you really blame them for feeling that way?
That is, by my estimation, where validation gets its true power. I’m aware here that I’ve conflated emotional validation with social validation in this entry, to be sure. The power still remains for similar reasons, however. It’s just that the structure is much different. The “your feelings are valid” stuff from leftist circles was also more for segue purposes too. There is a clear link between social and emotional validation. I would argue that the latter relies on the former, in fact. Social validity determines how seriously the in group is willing to take your feelings. I would also argue that people are starved for personal validation because late stage capitalism (a part of normative social influence in the United States) has beaten them down to the point that they feel devalued by peers and society, as well as without purpose, but whoaaaaaaaaa slow down there, COMRADE. It’s why claims of disturbances in mental health are so readily hand waved. “What do you have to be depressed about? Your life is better than mine, tbh. Suck it and just stop being depressed.”
Comments like that are almost exclusively reserved to those that are relegated to being “mentally ill”. You can be depressed sometimes, sure… but to be diagnosed with depression? Oh come on, you have nothing to be sad about right now. Get over it.
This has been more long winded than I anticipated. I’m not totally sure what utility my personal story served here, but it’s my blog. Sooooo…. There ya go.
I can’t cure this “validdiction” epidemic, sadly. All I can say is that I found meaning without it. I’m not sure if it was related to authenticity or experience, but something changed. I was able to grasp onto something that truly mattered to me, and maybe that is what really led to it. I don’t feel starved for validation anymore, and so I don’t feel the need to entertain “desired truths”. Really, they’re not even desired anymore either.
There is still a lot of guilt and self-loathing, however. Guilt for the probable negativity I put into the world as a consequence of my addiction to validation. I imagine there is some sort of threshold for that; an amount of internalized guilt that makes it ultimately impossible to confront the reality of your circumstances. I’m fortunate that I was able to peel myself away before getting there, if it is such a thing. Much of the self-loathing still exists, though, to be honest. That’s for very different reasons at this point, and – again – a story for another day.
More importantly, I find myself ambivalent to normalcy. I’ve realized that there is always just some group that isn’t for me. It doesn’t make me or them lesser; it is simply a consequence of society. I think to better lean into that indifference I might benefit from moving away from pathologizing everything that I perceive to be as negative. It’s much healthier to drop the desired pretenses and accept the truth for what it really is.
Assumptions about peoples’ motives and the perceived “pathology” of needing validation for everything is really just a consequence of defined sociological processes. Perhaps self-assessment is what got me away from that mindset, but what is the answer for people who have different assets? Because that’s the thing, everybody has some sort of personal asset; something inherently beneficial that others might lack.
Maybe instead of succumbing to internal crisis over the thought of being “incorrect”, we can all start to focus on what we know and what personal attributes we bring to the table. Individually, we don’t need to be knowledgeable of everything. But I guess I could be wrong.
agirlhasnoname. 